I went into H&M and Zara today, and all the hate I had for myself came back and I wish I hadn’t walked into the store at all. It’s heartbreaking and humiliating to see that there is nothing in my size. I used to be able to shop in the stores but here they have started to keep only petite sizes or till size 8. There are sizes beyond that and it kills me inside that I can’t even find a pair of jeans for myself. Stores really need to do better to cater to sizes. Shopping used to be a fun experience for me but now it’s like stores only cater to one section and I don’t fit in. Fashion is about self-expression and feeling good about yourself and I wish more stores were diverse.
Over the last seven months I have worked hard on making sure that I was slowly starting to feel happy about myself but during today’s one shopping trip by the time I tried to try the third pair of jeans on I looked at myself in the mirror and started to cry. It feels like all that I worked on for the last few months was pointless because in that one moment I hated myself again.
In yesterday’s blog post I wrote about how I have to stop hating myself… 24 hours ago that meant something completely different from what it does now. This morning I was already feeling a little low and I could only find a black pair of jeggings which cling to every flaw and I felt horrible already when I looked at myself in the mirror. I would have worn my other jeans but jeans get damaged quickly because of how my body is structured and how there is never a decent pair of sturdy jeans i can find. It isn’t like I am against spending or splurging on a pair of jeans. If I find something in my size and is sturdy I will consider it, but the problem is that there isn’t even an option to consider. Stores in Japan have to realize that there are people who’s waists are more than 28 inches.
I should be able to go into a store and feel inspired to buy and dress nice and feel good about myself. I shouldn’t walk out of a store feeling jealous or feeling hate towards myself because my thighs are not the size of the mannequins. I shouldn’t have to buy everything online and still fear that it won’t fit me because I wasn’t able to try it on.
As much as I love fashion and shopping, I wish today I hadn’t walked into a store because today I hate myself again.