Scrolling through my Twitter feed in the middle of the night, as you do on a normal basis… it popped up that Camila Cabello had tweeted something. As I clicked the notification, I never thought I’d come across what is posted above, and how I would feel in that moment.
I never thought I would openly talk about this so early into my journey as a Blogger, but I feel the only way I can be myself, is if I am honest. Over the last decade or so, I have constantly dealt with depression and anxiety. I don’t know why or how and in the beginning it scared me. It still scares me. It took me almost ten years to even admit to my parents that I dealt with this. It was after I heard In My Blood for the first time when it was released. I was terrified of even opening up. But that day it felt like I could honestly fight. It’s also one of the reasons why my first tattoo is In My Blood on my shoulder. Songs like In My Blood helped me realize that it was okay to ask for help.
Music and artists that I admired had always been my refuge. I never shared or talked about music that I loved or love at the moment; because it was my own haven and my secret way of fighting through whatever I dealt with.
When Camila had tweeted this yesterday, I was having one of my bad days. I didn’t want to get out of bed the whole day and I played the four songs I play on repeat during these days, hoping that I would finally feel okay to at least get up and wash my face. I play Never Be Alone, A Little Too Much, Hold On and In My Blood. There are days when I have these on repeat for hours with the lights off and me hidden underneath a blanket.
On some of these days and even sometimes on my good days, I often hate the way I used to look and still look. I would hate myself for not being as thin as I was in high school. I hated the fact that no matter how much I exercised and ate healthily it took too much time for me to physically show any difference; this would lead me to emotional eating and it was an endless cycle of just me hating myself.
But over the last two months and especially in the last 12 or so hours, I realized something. It’s okay… It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay… to be weird and have a sense of humor that only you think is funny. I used to always feel like I wasn’t funny enough, or good enough. I always thought my weird quirks such as how I would start up a conversation with random facts or things that reminded me of someone would be judged as me being too weird. Or I would be judged at how hard I fall for someone or something.
I realized recently, that it wasn’t my fault that people didn’t get me, or it wasn’t my fault if people thought I was weird. If I’m starting up a conversation with something random, it means that I was going about my day and something reminded me of you; and that should be a good feeling. I would love it if people randomly texted me. It really helps. Or the fact that I fall hard means I’m honest and I care passionately. It probably doesn’t make me weird.
It’s okay to feel like a million bucks somedays and some days feel like even putting on a pair of sweatpants is too much to be asked of. It’s okay.
I know this has been all over the place and is short in comparison to my other posts, but I felt like I had to be honest, so that when I am quirky, it shows me being me. Because someday, I’m going to happy just me being me. For now, I just want to remember myself and make sure you know that it’s okay. It’s okay to have good days and bad days.
So be weird and be funny in your own way, love hard and passionately, because that’s what makes us who we are.
If you ever need someone to talk to or share random facts with, my Instagram and Twitter are always open.
I hope this helps some of you out there. We can fight this together!